“Nothing I do is enjoyable. I am blank, I have no opinion, I have no emotion, I have nothing,” Bryan Kohberger, the suspect in the Idaho murders, reportedly wrote
The University of Idaho murder suspect allegedly wrote on online forums during his youth about feelings of depression, dissociation and being able to do “whatever I want with little remorse,” according to a report by The New York Times.
An account on the online forum Tapatalk with the username Exarr.thosewithvisualsnow and a profile picture that resembles Bryan Kohberger has 118 posts from more than 10 years ago, many focused on disturbing aspects of the user’s mental state.
According to The New York Times, the account was connected to Kohberger by childhood friends of his, a reference to his birthday and the fact that the username matches an email account once used by him.
The user joined Tapatalk on Nov. 1, 2009 and was last active Feb. 20, 2012. During that period, Kohberger, now 28, was a teenager.
The user was a member of the “Visual Snow or Static” forum in which users discussed visual snow syndrome, a rare disorder that can cause people to see static in their vision. According to Visual Snow Initiatives, visual snow is “a neurological condition that impacts an individual’s vision, hearing, and quality of life.”
A May 12, 2011 post titled, “Am I the only one?” touches on the dark mental experiences the user was having at the time.
“I always feel as if I am not there, completely depersonalized,” the post reads, followed by a list of symptoms the user was allegedly experiencing, including lack of comprehension, depression, suicidal thoughts, “Crazy thoughts,” “Delusions of Grandeur,” “poor social skills” and “NO EMOTION.”
The last line of the post reads: “When I get home, I am mean to my family. This started when VS did. I felt no emotion and along with the depersonalization, I can say and do whatever I want with little remorse… everyone hates me pretty much I am an a—–e.”
Thomas Arntz, a former high school friend of Kohberger’s, told The New York Times that Kohberger frequently talked about issues with his vision.
“I know it was something that really bugged him,” Arntz told the outlet. “He was basically to the point where he was neurotic about it.”
Nearly two months later, in a July 4, 2011 Tapatalk post titled, “Can you relate?” the user expressed low self-esteem.
“I feel like an organic sack of meat with no self worth, as I am starting to view everyone as this,” the post reads.
The user also wrote: “As my family group hugs and celebrates, I am stuck in this void of nothing, feeling completely no emotion, feeling nothing.”
The post adds: “I feel dirty, like there is dirt inside of my head, my mind, I am always dizzy and confused.”
It continues: “As I hug my family, I look into their faces, I see nothing, it is like I am looking at a video game, but less. I feel less than mentally damaged, it is like I have severe brain damage. I am stuck in the depths of my mind, where I have to constantly battle my demons, am I here or am I fake?”
The post also mentions the user’s father and states “what a good man he is.”
“I might spiral out of control and lose myself in the void, I can’t let it all go,” the post continues. “All of these regrets I predict for my future self … all of these thoughts of remorse…”
The last line of the post reads: “Nothing I do is enjoyable. I am blank, I have no opinion, I have no emotion, I have nothing. Can you relate?”
Only one Tapatalk user responded to this post.
Shocking Murders
Kohberger is now accused of murdering four University of Idaho students: Kaylee Goncalves, 21, Madison “Maddie” Mogen, 21, Xana Kernodle, 20, and Ethan Chapin, 20, were stabbed to death in an off-campus home in Moscow, Idaho around 4 a.m. on Nov. 13, 2022.
Kernodle, Mogen and Goncalves were roommates. Chapin did not live at the home, but was sleeping over with his girlfriend Kernodle. Two additional roommates were home during the attack but were unharmed.
According to the probable cause affidavit, one of the surviving roommates saw the suspected killer as he walked toward a back door to leave the crime scene. She described the person as “5’10” or taller, male, not very muscular, but athletically built with bushy eyebrows.”
The affidavit alleges that Kohberger was linked to the crime scene with DNA evidence found on a knife sheath left behind, cell phone pings and surveillance videos. He was arrested on Dec. 30, 2022 and charged with four counts of first-degree murder and one count of felony burglary in connection with the slayings.
Chilling Details Revealed as Probable Cause Affidavit is Released in University of Idaho Murder Case
At the time of his arrest, Kohberger was a Ph.D student at Washington State University studying criminal justice and criminology. The university, which is in Pullman, Wash., is approximately eight miles away from the residence in Moscow, Idaho where the four students were killed.
Research Project on Psyche of Criminals
The Tapatalk posts are not the first online communications apparently from Kohberger that has caught people’s attention since news of his arrest broke nearly seven weeks after the murders.
In a now-deleted post on Reddit, Kohberger — under the username Criminology_Student — asked ex-convicts to participate in a research project that “seeks to understand how emotions and psychological traits influence decision-making when committing a crime.”
The post states that the goal of the study is to “understand the story behind your most recent criminal offense, with an emphasis on your thoughts and feelings throughout your experience.”
The post says the research was approved by DeSales University and has Bryan Kohberger listed as the “Student Investigator” with a DeSales student email address. PEOPLE has confirmed that Kohberger was a student at DeSales University in Pennsylvania, his home state, before moving to Washington in 2022 to pursue his PhD.
On Jan. 12, Kohberger waived his right to a speedy preliminary hearing and will return to an Idaho courtroom on June 26, 2023. Until then, limited information will be available to the public about the case due to a sweeping gag order. Kohberger is currently being held without bail and has not yet entered a plea to the charges against him.
No motive for the killings has been released and Shanon Gray — a lawyer for the Goncalves family — tells PEOPLE that the victims did not know the suspect, despite the probable cause affidavit stating that Kohberger’s cell phone was near the home on at least 12 occasions prior to the murders.
“They had no idea they were in danger,” Gray said.